What story are you living in?
I know that sounds like a strange question. Yet each day when we wake up, without even a thought, we load up our own narrowly-written story of who we are. We step into the new day based on what’s been happening, and who we were yesterday, the day before, and so on.
It is the framework for how we run our daily lives. And it serves a good purpose. It's a built-in meaning-making device that helps our brain narrow down the millions of choices we have in every moment. It guides what we notice in our world; how we see and relate to the people, places, possibilities, and events in our life. Along with that, It limits us in unintentional ways—every day is a blank slate, yet our brain gives us quite limited options of what we can and can’t do based on yesterday. Is that necessary? No. In fact, we can change our story any time we set our mind to it.
Many years ago, I sat down with a CEO client to give him his 360-degree feedback. I remember he had a very hard time wrapping his head around the results. The meeting really went south as his story—how he viewed himself and others--was so out of sync with how his behavior was impacting those working for him, the reality of what they noticed about him, and the low level of their engagement that followed.
What he heard was simply not meshing with his story about himself being a benevolent, inspiring leader. Eventually he understood and came to accept the findings, and to make changes, but his resistance made it a long road.
We all live in a rich story about our professional life that typically stays consistent day in and day out, and yet is housed in our blind spot. It builds on itself just under the surface of consciousness, day after day, incrementally, throughout our lives. It’s built on nature and nurture, and events and people that shape and influence us.
Now what if you could freeze your story for a moment, step off your time line, and take a look at it as an observer? If you imagine that, what would you say about your professional life right now? How long has the plot gone along its current trajectory? Who is this professional you, in your story? And for the sake of what is this character of you doing what they are doing?
In my coaching practice, I have the privilege of being an observer as part of my job. Often it’s necessary to help my clients expose the stories they live in, mainly to open them up to a bit of editing. Once they see their part in creating it, they realize they can rewrite and modify it as they go along. Most people are not aware of their story, and once they become aware of it, the specifics become optional. And that means you can change it.
Ever wonder why a very successful person can be so fearful or insecure under the surface?
Let’s take the story of John. He is a very successful leader of a major firm. People who work with him and for him think the world of him. They say that he works harder than any two people they know. People who know him very closely notice that he thinks he always has to try twice as hard. John lives in a story with a really nasty internal gremlin that tells him he’s not working hard enough, he’s not successful enough, and he’s not doing everything he’s supposed to be doing. It is in some way because of this story, worry gremlin included, that John got to a position of leadership in the first place. In addition to his skills and smarts, John used to have to work really hard to counteract that gremlin’s constant whisper (which, by the way, he had never noticed). So John is a big success, and John is often worried about his job, tired, overscheduled, preoccupied, and really longing for something more.
Isn’t that a huge price to pay for success? The stress of trying to live up to the demanding little gremlin was very draining, and not sustainable over the long haul.
Making you aware of your story shows you how simple it is to change it. It is not some major construction project. And it leads you to being happier and more effective as a leader, and that works for my clients.
One of the first things I like to do is get to know the gremlin in my client’s story. Each of us has one, and each one is unique and revealing. It’s not complicated to find. The types of questions I ask are typically something like: “What do you tell yourself when you have doubts about your career or work? What do you worry about? What causes tension, fear, or annoyance in your work?” My clients answer right away. Sometimes, we will walk through an example of something professionally that didn’t go very well, or where stress was high, and find it that way.
And with a very small amount of self-observation, it’s raised to the conscious level. Then what? Well, that gremlin basically loses his power, because much like the gremlins in the movies, they don’t do well in daylight – their power is based on lack of awareness. And with a now powerless gremlin, there is room for new levels of success, effectiveness, and a far more positive attitude about work. It also helps you see your world more clearly. The gremlin is basically an annoying blur that distorts your perceptions of reality, and interferes with positive intention.
Someone can say – well if he hadn’t had the worry gremlin, than how would he have been so successful? Shouldn’t he hang on to it?
John has the skills, smarts and experience to do what he does really well—not because of his gremlins, but in spite of them. Now with the gremlin in check, John is operating at a higher level, he is more energized, getting better financial results, and it’s based on a new foundation of strength rather than stress. He’s edited an annoying character right out of his story.
Maybe you have a competency gremlin, a worry gremlin, a performance gremlin, a control gremlin, a perfectionist gremlin…whatever; knowing how it influences your story is one of the keys to operating in your highest performance zone. Know your story, and remove unwanted characters.
The great thing about being an author is being able to change the direction of your narrative, change your plot, your characters, the choices you make, and, best of all, how it all turns out. Understanding your story is a powerful way to unleash your potential, and key to becoming and sustaining the leader you want to be.
David Peck
Executive Coach and President
Leadership Unleashed
