Fundamentally, a healthy ego is a good thing. It serves a simple and vital function: to keep us separated from each other in our own thinking. Without it, there’d be no sense of self versus other, and I’d have no way of telling myself from you.
However, a mismanaged ego can be anything from a minor liability to majorly overbearing. One can often hear people complain of a leader, "S/he has a big ego." What does that mean, and what can be done about it?
Plenty. But it's important to remember that we come by it honestly. After all, as children, we all start out from the standpoint of neediness, and from there, some develop further than others in terms of ego management. Anyone can develop their ego in a more positive direction over time, and leaders are no exception. That entails practices and awareness that help you recognize as close to real-time as possible when your ego is running the show, which then helps you put it back in its place.
With few exceptions, we are all creatures of our egos, and there are times when it will run the show. It can be a moment, an hour, a day, or years. The key question is to detect and correct when our thinking when ego comes out to play. In my opinion, the greatest leadership is service to others (“How can I help?” / “What’s needed here?”) versus a self-serving (“What does this mean to me?” / “What about me?”) focus. Ego can be sneaky, though, and come out in little ways that become larger over time.
When taken too far, it’s almost absurd. I once worked for a CEO who would invite his leadership team over to his house for cocktails or dinner from time to time. He and the company were doing quite well. We would be invited for a specific time, and were of course expected to be on time. He had a servant who answered the door. About a half hour later, the servant would collect us all in the entrance hall, and he and his wife, hand in hand, would walk down grand staircase to make their entrance, shaking hands and nodding hellos. We used to joke that the only thing missing was the band playing “Pomp and Circumstance.”
A “fat” ego says: “Notice me / look at me / want me / need me / I will not be ignored.”
These can go from benign to malignant, depending on your level of awareness. Ego typically doesn’t disappear, as it’s a crucial part of our operating system. So healthy ego requires conscious management, meaning vigilance—anger, fear, and wanting to be noticed are all warning signs.
I often catch myself—and sometimes miss it until later—when my ego is overactive. It can be a moment, like “Oops – that was my ego talking.” My approach is to “tell on myself” when there’s another person involved, and to apologize when it happens. Believe me, my ego hates that, and that in itself becomes a kind of aversion therapy. I don’t love having to admit my ego was dominant in a particular moment, as I want to be appreciated. In that way, I use it against itself.
Major or minor entitlement, grandiosity, narcissism, martyrdom, desire to be appreciated or noticed, and impatience are specific signs that our ego is working overtime. Skillful leaders have realized these are not helpful, and make it a point to stay alert for warning signs. Once noticed, they can remind themselves and others to step back, reflect, and give the ego the rest of the day off.
With a little practice keeping your radar tuned to potential ego moments, you can catch and correct it. It’s worthwhile, as your ego is rarely your amigo.
David Peck
Principal and Senior Executive Coach
Goodstone Group, LLC
