I was looking at the results of my own Leadership Circle Profile, and focusing on one of my areas that need work: namely, a higher arrogance score than I would have liked, and a lower score in "selfless leadership."
With the help of my coach, I found a little bugger of a pattern that started young, and got stoked as I worked my way up the ladder from the mail room. It's this: situations where I feel the stakes are high, and where the "chemistry" between myself and the other(s) is not immediate, trigger my "impress-mode" and get in the way of my doing my best work.
What do I mean? When I perceive the other person or people with whom I'm dealing as having some kind of power over me, I will tend to be in the questions of: "How can I impress? How can I prove myself? How can I show them how smart I am? Did they approve of my work? How will I knock the ball out of the park?" In short, I hand my fate over on a platter.
Here's an example: early last year I gave two workshops very close together in time:
"Workshop A" was a larger pilot class for teaching managers coaching skills. I developed the method, and had done an initial pilot at that company with a much smaller group, and they said they got a lot out of it. So the company asked me to do a larger one.
"Workshop B" was a one-day off-site with a leadership group on team work.
As I was driving to Workshop A, my mind was drifting around about how much they were paying me, that it was a test of my methodology, and about future opportunities with this company. In response to this line of thinking, I pumped myself up to "knock the ball out of the park" and went in there with a lot of bravado.
Workshop A was...ahem...a stink bomb from practically the first moment onward.
I stopped it at some point (after far too long, which is another lesson I learned there) and asked them for feedback and criticism. They were very OUTSPOKEN, and rightly so -- they said they never connected with me, and found me arrogant. There were other factors, other than me, involved in their displeasure, but the responsibility to set up a good connection and offer a great experience was mine. My beliefs tripped me up, and I ended up waiving my fee as a result.
About 10 days later came Workshop B. Much humbled, and, in this case, using a methodology foreign to me, I went into it thinking A LOT about "What's needed here? What do THEY need?" My co-facilitator told the group early on: "This is YOUR meeting -- if you aren't getting what you want / need, tell us!" What a great reminder that was for me...and, of course, they got a lot out of the workshop, are working well together, in part because my ego was on vacation that day.
Okay -- I get it. Now what?
As usual with learning and leadership, the answer is in first catching the trigger in real time -- noticing it, and then asking myself better questions, such as: "What are they up against? What do they need? How can I help? What might help?" -- and, most importantly:
"What's needed here?"
It's basically magical. I've tried it in situations where the chemistry between me and the other(s) is weak, and I am able to be of far greater service to them, because I am seeing things through their perspective, bringing in my higher-level skills, and my heart.
So "What's needed here?" is my new favorite question, one which I hope to fully incorporate into my day-to-day "operating system."
Just like any recovery, it will not be perfectly smooth -- I will still fall prey to the triggers, particularly when under stress, but the more I practice, the more it will become a part of me ... and that's way cool!
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